“I still think about it now [16 years later]. I get it out of my head [sometimes. But] I don't think the mourning is ever over completely…. For me it wasn’t even a ‘person,’ right? It would have been…. I had this great therapist, and I’m so grateful that she finally explained to me that it was PTSD… you get to be depressed. It was traumatic. So, it’s OK to continue to have the emotions.”

“I’m very, very sorry. This is horrible and I wish you weren’t in the same club that we’re in, nobody wants to be in this club. This is awful…. If you have anyone in your life who can just be there to listen, without judging you or offering you advice then this person could be one of the most important people for you in terms of your healing. You need to be able to tell your story…. I would also say that this child was real, that you are a parent, especially if this is your only child. You became a mother in that moment and honor yourself with that, that this child has changed you forever and will always be a part of who you are. What that looks like over time will change, but to honor yourself with that…. You are allowed to grieve big.”

“I couldn’t control anything. And that is a different kind of frustrating. I try to be patient, I didn’t always succeed. [I also tried to] acknowledge the frustrations and the anger sometimes, you know? And let it go.”

“Let yourself feel the magnitude because it’s just as big as it feels like it is. Like don’t downplay it. Because I think everybody wants to in some way. I think the ability to give yourself full permission to experience the loss in any way, shape, or form, whenever it comes, however it comes, if you can. And to let yourself not have to forget.”

“Get ready to have a lot of compassion for yourself, because you’re going to need to be- .... Look at me (pointing to her tears). I still think about it now. I put it out of my head a lot and it comes back like this …. A lot of people poo-poo therapy, and—I never thought I’d be the one to say this—but you can only push [those feelings] down so far. They are always going to be there …. It’s OK to be where you are. Have compassion for yourself first. It’s a significant loss in your life, whatever happened. You are where you are with it and it’s OK to seek help. It does get better with time, but it will never go away.”

“Just keep going. Also, you will feel better at some point, even if it takes a long time. And yes, this time is truly awful and you should cry and lie on the floor and eat a lot of your favorite food. I kept wanting something like the It Gets Better Project (for gay teenagers, etc.) for people trying to have a baby, because it was so hard to believe it was going to get better.”

“This kind of grief is extremely complicated, and it’s a process like everything else. It’s not linear, and you’re gonna have a bagillion feelings at once. Every time you think that maybe you’re starting to feel better, you’re gonna have a backslide, and like the next day [you may not] want to get out of bed. It’s normal, and just be patient with the process, and take really good care of yourself. This too shall pass …. there will be a new normal. And that will be okay too. Like, you’ll be happy again [and] in the context of having had this loss, you’ll be in some ways better equipped for whatever comes next.”

“Make your [own] decisions … without being rushed into them. Because probably you’re in shock and you’ll make decisions which in a normal situation you wouldn’t. Think it over. Take [all] the time [you need] to make all decisions… because [these are] the things you’re going to have in mind forever, and it’s important. The few days after the death are very important, and you’re going to be playing them forever in your mind, so try to take the time to make the right decisions for yourself.”

“I don’t know about you, but my grief doesn’t like to do dishes, so have a fucking paper plate!”

“Be kind to yourself. Expect that it’s gonna be tough, and just allow yourself to be there. It’s so silent, people are so silent about miscarriage and pregnancy loss, and sometimes people find it insignificant. All of those external judgements can impact how you’re grieving, and what you think people expect you to do. And I would say, just give yourself permission to do what you need to do, and be kind.”

“I would have liked to have realized earlier that I should still take care of myself as far as needing to talk about her, commemorate, I mean, especially on her birthday. I wish that it hadn’t taken me five years to figure out that I should be allowed to celebrate her birthday and talk about her, especially on that day, you know? Other times, I usually put so much pressure on myself to try to not make other people uncomfortable. Obviously, it’s not something you can run around saying to people all the time, because you are going to make people uncomfortable, they aren’t gonna want to hang out with you! People don’t like to discuss death in general, our society’s kind of scared of it, but on certain days, especially like her birthday or Mother’s Day…. I wish I had known earlier on that that was okay [to be] able to talk. You’re allowed to have these days, and it’s okay.”